Lard
As disgusting as people tend to think it is, there is nothing more
delicious than lard and things cooked in lard. Fries, Chinese
food, bean and cheese burritos, funnel cake, you name it! Sure, a
(un)healthy diet of foods containing lard leads to high cholesterol,
heart disease, and obesity.... but damn.. does it taste good. I'm
sick of denying my affinity for lard.
I heart lard even if my heart doesn't heart lard
(Say that 10 times fast). I know you all secretly crave it too
but are ashamed in this age of overemphasized health and beauty.
My friends, beauty doesn't last forever... booty however almost
does. There's nothing wrong with a lard ass. Don't let them
make you think otherwise!
So although I'd love to live in my fatness unbothered, unafraid,
unbound, WhatIAte2Day is realistic. I can be a little
self-conscious at
times. It's a byproduct of the sad age we live in where we
fatties are discriminated. Thus, these days I use a little
discretion in terms of my lard intake. It's sad, but true.
WhatIAte2Day can't have what WhatIAte2Day truly desires (that being
lard).
If only we could have our (lard-filled) cake and eat it too.
Which
brings me to this idea. Now what if someone were to invent
"nonfat lard". I know that seems a little bit of a contradiction,
but follow me for just a second. What if someone were to invent
something that tasted like lard and cooked things as deliciously as
lard, without all the aforementioned disadvantages of lard. I
discussed this with a fellow "lardillicious" friend and she
agreed. "Nonfat lard" would be among one of the greatest
innovations in the last century. I would even go so far to say
that it would rank above the cure for polio. So while the
government, universities, and drug companies are pouring hundreds of
millions of dollars into research for cancer and AIDS (God bless their
pursuits), how about a little money for research into "nonfat lard"?
Now as you laugh at the ridiculousness of my proposal, let me argue for
"nonfat lard". Cardiovacular disease is the number one underlying
cause of death in the United States at 37.3% of all deaths. That
works out to 1 fatty dying every 35 seconds. I now plead with
you, the scientific community (as if you would read this blog anyways)
to "Save the Fatties!!!" Now I would
confidently guess that with the advent of "nonfat lard", that number
would be drastically cut down. Fatties across the country would
eat their lard and perhaps cease to be fatties anymore. Right
now, 64% of the US is either overweight or obese. Now I know that
fatties won't altogether be eliminated with "nonfat lard". (Some
of us are born predisposed to our condition.) However, many of us
could be fatties at heart, living in bodies like that of Adonis.
Glorrrrrrrrrioooooooussss!
Not only would inventing "nonfat lard" benefit the overall health of
our country and world, but it would make the creators of it filthy
rich. I, of course, would demand for a healthy sized cut of the
profits as well as creative control over the marketing of "Nonfat
Lard". Imagine all the clever campaigns I would come up
with.
"It's not lard, it's Nard: Nonfat LardTM"
and my current favorite...
"I can't believe it's not lard"
